Shut up & make me.

Breathe.

I feel like, through all these years, I’ve been holding my breath. I feel like everything is finally okay. So i won’t hold my breath anymore. I’m taking a big jump. I’m gonna breathe deep, and hope. Just hope. No expectations, or limitations. Just breathe, and hope.

agony

I have waited. 4 and a half god damn years. To be your girl. And here you are. Slipping away. Already.

sigh.

I just want to be happy. I guess there’s no way around that. I want to be able to wake up every morning smiling. I wanna wake up to good morning text messages. I wanna be able to sit around and play video games with my boyfriend, and him let me win. I want to go out places and have him show me off like i mean everything to him. I want to sit down and stare blankly into his beautiful eyes, and him smile and tell me he loves me. I want to be able to play wrestle with him, and win everytime. I want to have tons of inside jokes and i want to LAUGH when im with him. I want the boy that i can show off to all my friends and every single one of them, have the slight jealousy towards my relationship. I want to spend countless hours watching movies and sleeping with him, just sleeping. I want to make him dinner all the time, and have him tell me how good it is, even if its not. I want him to send me random 6 page text messages about how much he loves me, and he cant live without me. I want there to be no one but me. I want to be under “Babe” Or “the love of my life” in his phone. I want to take tons and tons of silly pictures together, and show all my friends. I want to write “Desiree loves you” on his hand, and have “…. Loves you” on mine. I want to be able to bring him home to meet my family and tell them all about how wonderful he is. I wanna spend whole days at the beach, making sand castles, and splashing each other with water. I want to take long roadtrips to do pointless things. I want piggy back rides, and ice skating. I want to play him in basketball, and always win. 

Honestly, I could live without ALL of that. Just so long as i woke up happy all the time. So long as everyone knew i was his, and he was mine. So long as my happiness didn’t go away after we spent 15 minutes together. so long as i didn’t fall asleep crying every night. So long as i didn’t have countless anxiety attacks because of him. I just want to be happy. It’s time to start being happy.

rant.

The fact that you constantly do shit to piss me off. Say shit that pisses me off is grimey as hell. Youre a fucking lowlife pathetic fuck. I really dont even understand why the fuck you’d ask me about WHY I could even possibly be fucking upset. Youre low. I cant even see you you’re so far fucking below me. Tens and twos dont mix. So I should probably leave you in the single digits where you fucking belong. You dont even deserve to be happy anymore. Youre worthless, maybe you should killed yourself. It would have made everything on a ton of people. Asshole. Douchefuck.

i regret everything to do with you. i regret meeting you. i regret talking to you. i regret seventh grade. i regret getting close to you. i regret missing you. i regret texting you. i regret believing you. i regret being upset over you. i regret calling you. i regret our friendship. i regret smiling because of you. i regret wishing for you. i regret hugging you. i regret skyping you. i regret kissing you. i regret letting you in. i regret coming over. i regret saturday. i regret going along with you. i regret giving you what you wanted. i regret being hurt about this.. i regret loving you. i fucking regret it all. I regret you. I wish you’d just get out of my life. better yet maybe i should man the fuck up and put you there.

Fuck.